A Sexless Marriage!

Hello Friend!

How are you doing today? I really appreciate your personal stories and today I'd like to share the first one. I have a huge workload, especially in school and have been battling statistics all week long (that's why the first one is just being posted). It's amazing how much work there is. Oga!!! (meaning na wa! meaning it's tall. lol. Don't mind me! For those of you that don't understand I just mean wooooo! or wow!

I had another statistics quiz yday and for the first time in my life I was clueless but I prayed to God. It kind of depressed me a bit cos I was thinking 'bout my perfect GPA and the fact that it may be ruined but I still have hope for an A. God has given me a sound mind 2 Tim 1:7.

Back to our story of the day. I do hope that you'll read it and be encouraged to share yours too so we can all learn from each other. Stories that are sent may be edited by me but basically just grammar. I definitely will not add to your stories. You know! Generally staying as true to your stories as possible. I picked this one to come first because I have never heard any woman talk about this before. Read on:

"How do I begin to explain my story to you. I thank you so much for your site and the fact that it is a medium for me to talk to someone and express myself without fear of being ridiculed. I am currently in a sexless marriage or so I think because my husband has not touched me for a whole year. We have been going through a lot of stress but that does not explain why a man should not touch his wife. Immediately we got married, he stopped being as affectionate as he was before we got married (normal) but I didn't mind. I found out that I always had to be the one to instigate sex. So we were doing pretty good, the first, second and third year.

And then I got pregnant and it was still okay but then suddenly it became worse. I didn't worry about it because I felt it was normal after a baby to experience that. A lot of people say it's like that but what shocked me was when one evening I tried to instigate it and he said he wasn't in the mood. I was shocked. I thought it was women who said that. He apologised the next day and said he felt bad for doing that. So I thought that was the end but it continued. After a while I asked him what was happening and he said it was because he had a lot on his mind and because he was working really hard. I began to think that he was having an affair. I mean there must be someone else. But why would someone as intelligent as him make me suspicious of him as that would be the first natural thing for any one to think. Besides he is a born again christian. I then used style to ask my doctor and she said its normal when you have a child sleeping in your bed and generally leading busy lives, to have a decrease in romance. After the fourth attempt and he gave an excuse, I promised myself that I will not talk to him about it or try instigating it again. Needless to say that we have grown apart. We are very prominent in church and when people see us they have no clue. We are exciting outside and people think we're a match made in heaven. I always say you really never know what is happening in any marriage. I don't trust him anymore. After having a child I feel like my body is not like it used to be and to have this situation only deflates my self pride the more. I have tried all I need to. But you know what, now I am not even interested anymore. I don't want him touching me, if he has been else where. I don't. As a christian I am praying about it because it is only God that can heal this marriage now.

I am too embarrassed to tell anyone. I know that so many women experience this for different reasons but no one speaks of it except in the world. We're too holy. This is the perfect forum. An unbeliever would address it the wrong way but what am I as a christian supposed to do? Please give me some information on what to do because I have tried it all. If the only thing I have achieved is to let someone out there know that she is not alone. Then I am happy. Please reply - Anonymous"

When i read the story I thought about sooooo many things. Fights, arguments, distrust, busy lives, children, pregnancy and birth, unfaithfulness, disappointment, stress, worry and so many other things cause this phenomenon. I especially hope single girls read this. I remember my Bible Knowledge teacher used to say keep yourself for marriage because you will find issues when you get married and all of us were like whatever!!! To think that after children come one has to think of keeping the spark is funny. Well not to digress but I am no expert at the topic anonymous. In fact I am as clueless as you are. However I really appreciate the honesty and it got me reading about it.

Friend! It's nice for people to know that this is one of the real issues that christian women face. The bible says in 1 Cor 7: 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

So it is not God's will for there to be a sexless marriage. Women are trying oh! You mean you have to think about this again? Well yeah! I found this quiz online. Click here to take it (Married people only please!) to know if you're in a sexless marriage or not. If you are, what I will say in response is, I think praying should be number 1 on the list and then seeing a Pastor or counsellor in church (although I can only imagine that this might be tough but one just has to get advice as situations vary). We had a close topic in church one Sunday when one of our ministers (a woman) said a woman needs to make herself attractive to her husband and not do the opposite. She gave an instance like 'when you finish frying fish in the evening, take a bath and don't just go to bed like that'. I almost collapsed cos i was new in that particular church (my church) then, and newly married and could not believe what i just heard. I will never forget that.

On a more serious note. I know Christians who say they are in a loveless marriage though, these are people who are prayer warriors etc so it's a very real issue and I tell you that of course if they knew from the beginning they would not enter into the marriage. I tried to process this topic and think of a wow advice to give but it's down to the basics which is what we don't like to hear. Prayer and The word with the help of some cool tactics like counseling and of course making yourself attractive amongst others. You can only make yourself attractive by making yourself happy and increasing your self confidence. We need someone to talk to the man. Make your wife happy. May God help us all in Jesus name.

L8r